So, it turns out, when you're almost 5 you can not- under any circumstance- sit in a chair. There are butt-repelling bug monsters that live in chairs and REQUIRE you to NEVER sit still on your rear end. Please don't ever even attempt to sit in a chair if you are almost 5. I promise horrible results if you try.
Case in point: My damn-near 5 year old even remotely attempted to sit his hiney down on a nice, comfortable blue chair in my living room and BLAM- out you go. All he was doing was trying to watch Curious George after finishing his cereal. He just wanted to have a seat. But those Monster Bug Hiney Biters attacked, made him wiggle like a spazoid (instead of sitting so nicely), and threw him out of the chair where he promptly HIT HIS FACE ON A TABLE. REALLY HARD. Hard enough to instantly leave a purple line on his cheek. We'll see what it looks like when I pick him up from preschool. Maybe it'll match the black eye he has from the bike incident.
Do I blame him? Heck no. I know as well as you do that it was not his fault. Do I blame myself for having NEVER told him to just sit down on my furniture rather than shake like a belly dancer everywhere he goes? Nope. I blame the bugs, too. At this point, I have to. If I have to say "Just sit on the chair like a normal person" one more time, my lips might fall off.
When Mommy watches Soundstage on PBS before going to bed then turns the TV on at 7:30 in the morning, there is a small, fuzzy, red monster to greet you. He has a funny voice. He sings long songs that only have one word. He has a pet goldfish. He is the most HILARIOUS thing on the planet. Also, his fur is made out of BABY CRACK. You cannot look away. You must stare at the TV with your mouth open and your eyes bugged out of your head until the last note of "la, la, la, la Elmo's Song" is over. And then grab your Mommy's shirt and lick her face. That's how you say Thanks I'll Take Sesame Street Every Morning From Now On when you're 5 months old. Lesson learned, Ella. Elmo is the coolest thing on the planet for all people under 3 ft tall. You're welcome.
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