Full Circle

I keep thinking that all I post about is Breckin. And, while Ella doesn't really have any good stories yet as her entire repertoire consists of smiling, eating, sleeping, and you-know-what-elsing.... she still deserves some webtime. I'm starting with her name. Ella. We had a helluva time finding a name for this baby that a) we both liked b) had some meaning and c) went with Marlene. We'll get to the Marlene part another time but I am compelled to talk about Ella. This is going to be a long one. Bear with me.

It all begins with Grandpa Bob. I'll try to get through this without tears flowing down onto the keyboard and, if you aren't in a place where you can be emotional, come back to this later. Of all my grandparents, I felt the closest to Grandpa Bob. I adore that man. He was the quintessential grandpa and, combined with my father, the source of every bullet point on my Ideal Man List. Gentle. Strong. Calm. Patient. Giant. Faithful- religiously and matrimoniously (is that even a word?). Loving. Tough.

Watching my grandma die was hard for me. Watching my grandpa die was almost impossible. Grandma wasn't ill from cancer but she was in bad health and once she started going downhill, it was a fast and slippery slope. But what taxed me the most was being the one who answered the phone in the middle of the night when she stopped breathing. I had to wake my dad and Grandpa and tell them to make a choice. I'll leave a lot of the details out but I very clearly remember Grandpa standing in the middle of the kitchen sobbing and telling my dad that God couldn't leave him alone as a parent. He hadn't been a good enough husband or father to be the one left on this Earth. He thought he should have died first cause Grandma could have dealt with it- he wasn't strong enough. My dad was sobbing, I was crying, everyone was a mess. I couldn't understand that point of view until I was a parent but now I get it. No one ever thinks they are good enough as a mom/dad and there's always they could do more as a wife/husband. It tore me apart to hear my Grandpa think that way about himself and I didn't tell him then but (since they have computers in Heaven) I'll tell him now. Grandpa Bob- you did it. You succeeded as a father, husband, and grandparent to the nth degree. You raised a son exactly right and created a fantastic patriarch to keep this family going.

Fast forward to Grandpa's slippery slope. He said a lot of funny things between when we lost Grandma and his last days regarding his prayers to God. If you are part of this family, you know what I'm talking about. Maybe someday I'll post them. We moved Grandpa Bob out here to Western Wa once it was clear that he shouldn't be on his own in Northern Ohio anymore. It was hard on my parents, him, and the family and friends that he left in Amherst. It's hard to uproot someone who's spent 60+ years in the same, small town- especially when they don't feel well and are starting to lose their memory. I have to make this quick for my own sanity. He started forgetting. He fell. He got aggressive. Remember- part of his traits are strong, giant, and tough. In the hospice, I visited Grandpa a day before he passed. I was there alone and right before my Dad walked in for his daily visit, I told Grandpa that he was loved and that he would hate seeing himself like this and it was ok to join Grandma. He was no longer the physical giant from my childhood but his presence in the room was bigger than life itself. He gave me a signature Grandpa Bob grin and the "huh" grunt he so often did. It was mottled by the breathing tube and weakened by his failing health but I caught it. 24 hours later he was gone. I flew to Ohio a few weeks later for his memorial- I was 5 1/2 months pregnant- and baby girl made herself known throughout the service. She pushed, kicked, hiccuped, and rolled her way around for the entire memorial.

Ella's personality from the moment she was born was clear. She was calm, relaxed, patient, and gentle. Time will tell if she is tough and I doubt she'll be a giant but one thing is clear. She has Grandpa Bob's temperament. She is, in a roundabout way, named for him and my Dad alike. On my Dad's side- there is a naming trend. Cornelius Robert. Robert Dale. Dale Ellis. My parents skipped my sister and I- probably because it was a paternal trend- but I felt compelled to pick it back up. I wanted to honor my dad and grandpa and without naming this baby girl Bob (although that would have been funny), Dustin and I chose Ella- in honor of Ellis. It's a long story for such a short name. We'll get to the Marlene part later.